It was a regular day… no… it was a beautiful day, we are on the beach, we took off our footwear as soon as we stepped on the moist cold soft gravels of the beach, I tapped my sandals together, dust off some of the clinging sand and put them in a small bag.. did the same with the sandals she was wearing, nice white sleek looking pair. She always had a better taste for such things than I did …. and it has been long since she picked a new pair…
The sun was playing hide and seek with the clouds, as if it knows I am on the beach and is egging me to play with it… I was tempted, had it been the time we were dating, she would have taken off and I would have been chasing her on the beach, when years rolled by we still used to have a quick run and chase routine as soon as we used to step on the beach.. and then took time to pick off the sand from between each other’s toes , tickle and have a laugh…... a gush of wind broke my train of thoughts, I looked at the hand I was holding.. and proceeded towards the two chairs. The two chairs were kept few feet from the rising tides, the chairs were kept within kissing distance of the tides, it was always her idea….. as if to challenge the incessant frothy waters…. “Here I am, if you want to get me, put some more effort ….”. With that thought I held her hand more tightly, but I made sure it was a snug hold, not too tight….. you know the kind of care you take during a pooja and cradle that freshly lit diya in your hand which is filled to the brim with oil, you may be an atheist but you somehow make sure that the oil is not be spilled and the wicker is not to be exhausted..
We moved over to the two seats, I made her sit on the right , she relaxed into the chair with a slight exhale. When I was sure she was snug in the chair I stepped back.. she looked straight at me… the sight was not of excitement, not of a knowing mischief , not of a surprise she had planned for me and certainly not the teary look which I must confess we had more than a few occasions in our married life… the sight was .. as if she was looking through me. I stepped aside and the evening sun fell on her face and made it glow.. she still looked beautiful…… she never liked too much jewelry , just a set of simple tops and a silver chain today … glistened in the sun, I stepped aside and sat down on the other chair.. the last time I saw tears in her eyes were when we lost our only son.. he was 16 and it was his birthday… I had gifted him his favorite motorbike…. He insisted to take it out immediately … as he moved few feet away from the house….a roaring truck just ran over him……. A kite took off right in front of me… the whiz in the wind snapped me back in the moment.. my eyes followed the red kite… which steadily rose against the sea breeze.. the color now turning black as it goes higher…. Something happens and string snaps…. the kite continued its trajectory for a few seconds unaware of the cord been snipped , few seconds later it was just floating in the air….. just like .. any other piece of paper….
I took her hand again and slowly caress it… she doesn’t take notice and still looks ahead to the rising tides… the sun is pretty close to the horizon , the sea now looks like its made of liquid gold…. I remember when we used to come to the beach earlier.. and when she used to look at the sea , we often used to argue that when we grow old will we still come to the beach , I used to say no I want to retire at a hill station, and she insisted close to beach.. we are over 60 now… and she did win… but I lost…. She doesn’t remember me anymore. She is suffering from Alzheimer, doctor says the loss of my son accelerated the deterioration.. I am alone despite her being next to me…
Note : There are 4 crore elders in India suffering from Alzheimer’s disease Hindu Post on Alzheimer in India
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
An Object of Desire
I was on the plush back seat of a Honda Accord, I don’t recall the exterior color but the beige inside exude luxuriant. I don’t remember when this was bought; I may not have been around when it was purchased…. Well… who cares.. as long as I am being driven around.. I don’t bother to know. I like how I look, I am wrapped in bright colors and if I look in the mirror I can fall for myself…
People in the car are dressed nicely, I can see some shimmer, women seem to be decked ! (Pretentious bit***s ) I too have been nicely made up… Looks like we are going for some ones marriage, every time they go to a marriage, I have to come along, like… as If ... I didn’t have anything better to do..
We have reached the venue, glad we are there, It was starting to get uneasy back there…. few folks are coming up to us.. I don’t remember them, in a way I don’t remember anybody I tend to keep away from these “relationships”, I just need to get my stuff nice and proper so nobody talks about sending me back to where I was……. thinking about where I came from gives me shudders.. I don’t want to go back to that dingy dark messy place.. infact I will make sure I never go back there… The person who bought me says I am at a better place and in future I will find a better home… not too sure of that, for now I have to deal with this long evening and the people in it………
I didn’t smile back to the people who had come up to meet us. I see around there are so many people who are just grinning ear to ear… I know it’s a festive occasion but come on… we don’t need to overdo it.. underneath all those tons of jewellery and clothes all are the same.. they want the …… same things.
I found a corner table, I am glad .. from here I can watch the night unfold, there is a champagne glass in front of me, bubbling with the clear wine it … should I.. eh… may I … oh well…. May be I can hold it off for sometime, more over I don’t see good company to enjoy it with.. Two women catch my eye… both are tall , slim I like their hair, it bounces with every step they take, high heels , but too long a lehenga that they are carrying.. not sure the reason as to why are they pinching their lehenga with both their hands, is it actually too long, or they want people to see the new set of heels they got… coz really holding the lehenga with the purse under the left arm and the bejeweled cell phone in the right hand… must not be very comfortable to walk with… anyways.. they at least manage to turn few heads , I see some tough built jocks looking their way and their silly smiles… hmmmm ladies are responding as well, their backs nicely arched making a pleasant posture, hand slightly touching an invisible thread of hair just to make sure its still there, holding the gaze for a moment longer ,closing their eyes a second longer, displaying those long eye lashes and looking away as if the people gaping at them don’t exist……Nice..… Indian Marriage… you are meant to strut here… isn’t it…
I see the Bride’s Mother… she has a mixed expression of suppressed exasperation and joyous feeling for triumph, there is another aunt who doesn’t seem too pleased but is desperately trying to show otherwise… and why not so.. her daughter is a “full year” elder and yet to be married….!!!
Then there is this eternal Casanova, who comes to marriage parties only to “get lucky”, shuns marriage altogether, refers himself as a free horse and maintains that marriage is for others.. However he doesn’t seem so macho when he runs into his “ex” who still looks gorgeous with twins and a decent well to do husband to tug along. Mr Casanova grips the glass he is holding in his right hand a little too hard and shifts his weight from one foot to another…. I see him slightly nervous… he seems to be enjoying the presence…. No… not her ex’s presence.. but strangely the twins…... I am beginning to doubt who the real father is here…. Hmm….. another skeleton another closet…
Long evening… its slowly coming to an end with Sanskrit vows with I bet neither of the couple understands but are still taking them… I have been moved to a new place somewhere inside the house.. it looks like I will have to be kept waiting…. As usual the people who brought me here are leaving without me.. I see the bride … she is being led to the bedroom… it’s a full hour later that the groom turns up… sudden hush and lots of giggles with a bevy of young girls exiting the bedroom like a swarm of bees off the hive.. quiet again… hmmm.. the door is closing .. I realize I am outside the bedroom.. it would have been so much better if I would have been inside.. like few others are… I know.. who am I to have an opinion.. I don’t even know whats inside me… all I know is that I am a nicely wrapped box , an object which may be desired.. I am not even sure if there is any content in me.. I can be as hollow as most people are… well.. then .. who cares….
People in the car are dressed nicely, I can see some shimmer, women seem to be decked ! (Pretentious bit***s ) I too have been nicely made up… Looks like we are going for some ones marriage, every time they go to a marriage, I have to come along, like… as If ... I didn’t have anything better to do..
We have reached the venue, glad we are there, It was starting to get uneasy back there…. few folks are coming up to us.. I don’t remember them, in a way I don’t remember anybody I tend to keep away from these “relationships”, I just need to get my stuff nice and proper so nobody talks about sending me back to where I was……. thinking about where I came from gives me shudders.. I don’t want to go back to that dingy dark messy place.. infact I will make sure I never go back there… The person who bought me says I am at a better place and in future I will find a better home… not too sure of that, for now I have to deal with this long evening and the people in it………
I didn’t smile back to the people who had come up to meet us. I see around there are so many people who are just grinning ear to ear… I know it’s a festive occasion but come on… we don’t need to overdo it.. underneath all those tons of jewellery and clothes all are the same.. they want the …… same things.
I found a corner table, I am glad .. from here I can watch the night unfold, there is a champagne glass in front of me, bubbling with the clear wine it … should I.. eh… may I … oh well…. May be I can hold it off for sometime, more over I don’t see good company to enjoy it with.. Two women catch my eye… both are tall , slim I like their hair, it bounces with every step they take, high heels , but too long a lehenga that they are carrying.. not sure the reason as to why are they pinching their lehenga with both their hands, is it actually too long, or they want people to see the new set of heels they got… coz really holding the lehenga with the purse under the left arm and the bejeweled cell phone in the right hand… must not be very comfortable to walk with… anyways.. they at least manage to turn few heads , I see some tough built jocks looking their way and their silly smiles… hmmmm ladies are responding as well, their backs nicely arched making a pleasant posture, hand slightly touching an invisible thread of hair just to make sure its still there, holding the gaze for a moment longer ,closing their eyes a second longer, displaying those long eye lashes and looking away as if the people gaping at them don’t exist……Nice..… Indian Marriage… you are meant to strut here… isn’t it…
I see the Bride’s Mother… she has a mixed expression of suppressed exasperation and joyous feeling for triumph, there is another aunt who doesn’t seem too pleased but is desperately trying to show otherwise… and why not so.. her daughter is a “full year” elder and yet to be married….!!!
Then there is this eternal Casanova, who comes to marriage parties only to “get lucky”, shuns marriage altogether, refers himself as a free horse and maintains that marriage is for others.. However he doesn’t seem so macho when he runs into his “ex” who still looks gorgeous with twins and a decent well to do husband to tug along. Mr Casanova grips the glass he is holding in his right hand a little too hard and shifts his weight from one foot to another…. I see him slightly nervous… he seems to be enjoying the presence…. No… not her ex’s presence.. but strangely the twins…... I am beginning to doubt who the real father is here…. Hmm….. another skeleton another closet…
Long evening… its slowly coming to an end with Sanskrit vows with I bet neither of the couple understands but are still taking them… I have been moved to a new place somewhere inside the house.. it looks like I will have to be kept waiting…. As usual the people who brought me here are leaving without me.. I see the bride … she is being led to the bedroom… it’s a full hour later that the groom turns up… sudden hush and lots of giggles with a bevy of young girls exiting the bedroom like a swarm of bees off the hive.. quiet again… hmmm.. the door is closing .. I realize I am outside the bedroom.. it would have been so much better if I would have been inside.. like few others are… I know.. who am I to have an opinion.. I don’t even know whats inside me… all I know is that I am a nicely wrapped box , an object which may be desired.. I am not even sure if there is any content in me.. I can be as hollow as most people are… well.. then .. who cares….
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